Today, for the first time in the history of history, a SONIC opened up in New England. not just anywhere in New England, on Route 1 in Peabody! this may not be a big deal to you because you've had the Sonic experience before, but to me and my friends, this was huge. lets start out with a summary of my day (all times estimated but accurate to a half hour).
11:23am I am rudely awoken by "love is gone" by David Guetta, which happens to be my phone's ringtone. as i come out of my comatose state i disregard my caller id and see who is ringing me at this ungodly hour. (i dont get up until 3pm normally) who else is it, but Alex Volpe. the conversation was a little blurry, but i can remember most of what was said.
Volpe "ill be at your house in 2 minutes"
no salutation, thats how he starts out phone calls.
Me "what? Volpe? what are you talking about?"
Volpe "it opened today, lets go we are going ill be there in a second"
Me "Where? Dude what the fuck are you talking about"
Volpe " Sonic. it opens today. lets go"
*click*
11:30am I am up, dressed, cleaned my teeth, turned my swag on, my usual morning routine. Volpe's "im obnoxious edition" Lincoln Towncar is blaring its horn outside my house, and i immediately dart out because i want me some Sonic, little did i realize until we are on the road, that i have left my phone behind. my meltdown begins. Life without my phone is not worth living, there was so much tweetable (follow me at twitter.com/jmstrj2) stuff happening today, and i had no twidroid to help me out.
11:56 After driving like the typical asshole Italian that Volpe is, we arrive somewhere in Lynnfield trying to pick up our homie Johnny "Elvis" Herook from his work, which is a golf course. He has work until 2pm, so we decide to wait for him to get out, and travel along til we find some lake in Lynnfield. what do we do? WE FISH.
12:30 still no fish.
12:45 i am mad, there is no fish.
1:02 Volpe goes all "natural outdoorsman" and actually catches a nice fish, its about a 4lbs small mouth bass. Pics would be included but i did not have my phone. my apologies.
1:03 Volpe parades around like he is Aquaman, King of the Fishes.
1:05 It gets old.
1:30 I am still not amused with fishing, and the lack of fish i have caught.
1:50 A series of phone conversations take place between Elvis and Volpe, which to the untrained ear may have sounded like two mentally retarded deaf children trying to rap ODB's Shimmy Shimmy Ya. Elvis is out of work, so we pack up and go to get him.
2:01 We find him WHIPPING a golf cart around as if he was a nascar driver, doing some crazy ass turns and hard stops. He gets in the car, immediately asks for a butt to smoke cus he and Volpe are both scumbags.
2:02 Volpe ignores proper directions to Sonic given by Elvis and I, slurs ensue.
2:20 Elvis tells Volpe to turn down some side street, but go slow. Volpe creeps to end of road, Elvis hops out of car and yells "FUCK YOU ASSHOLES YOU GUYS ARE RETARDED IM NOT GOING TO WAIT 4 HOURS IN LINE FOR SONIC! EVERYONE FROM NEW ENGLAND IS GOING RIGHT NOW, ILL GO LATER FUCK U GUYS" and walks away.
2:24 Elvis is back in the car because Volpe offered him another cigarette. Cigs are these men's kryptonite.
2:40 We are at a dead stop on Route 1. This is the line for Sonic...and we arent even at the end of it. There are easily 200 cars ahead of us, and another 25 behind us.
2:50 We moved up 3 car spaces.
3:20 We moved up 10 car spaces.
3:50 We are off Rt. 1 and onto a service road where there are still 150 cars ahead of us heading into Sonic.
4:30 We are on the brink of entering the Sonic parking lot. Deushbags, fast food enthusiasts, pseudo-intellectual hipsters, and a few 5 star smokeshow milfs and other girls are inhabiting this event.
4:45 Our biggest challenge yet, ordering. We pull into the stall, for "stall service", name makes me think of bathroom blowjobs but thats besides the point. To order, you must push a button and wait for an operator to come on, take your order, and then some bimbo comes out on roller skates and delivers your food. We had to ask someone how to order because we are morons.
4:52 Food arrives. The total comes to $17.23, and how much money did we have on us? 17 dollars. Volpe scrambles to find a quarter in his boat of a car, and we give the girl $17.25. Volpe says "keep the change". a $0.02 tip. we have reserved a corner booth in hell.
4:53 we take a picture with the now demoralized waitress.
4:55 Chow time has started. We attack our food like sharks in a frenzy. Both Volpe and I had a #10, a jalapeno burger with fries and a rootbeer float. my float was heavenly, my burger was delectable, and the fries blew donkey balls. next time im getting tots.
5:00 The trio of us heads back to Elvis' pad because he wants to shower for some odd reason. Volpe and I play basketball with some neighborhood kids...aged 12 to 15. Hilarity ensues because these kids are clearly ballers and know what they are doing. My team wins. Volpe loses.
5:30 I finally come back home after an eventful day, which in my eyes was a success.
5:30- 8:30 Chill time. dont worry about what happens in these hours.
9:00 Me, Kapz (from the strip club rant), Chuck, and Christo get together for a 2v2 ball session at Arlington High.
9:10 fun is over as actual basketball players/actual deushbag, scumbag, street rats want to join game and take over.
9:20 game is going on, with an actual black guy playing basketball with us. fun is still not had because these street rats clearly know what they are doing with the ball.
9:30 - 10:45 Basketball "fun" is nowhere to be found.
10:50 The original 4 play a game of 21 which is cut short because Arlington Police come through and yell like we were committing heinous hate crimes against humanity, while we are shooting hoops. The park closes at 11, and one of the street rats says to the officer (in what i believe he said) "ayo mayn iz only lyk 10:50 we gat tahm.". The officer replies with "its 11 on my clock you wanna say different?!"
11:00 we are gone, and night ends.
well, that was my day. i hope you enjoyed the hilarity that ensued throughout the course of my day's events. Fishing + Sonic = recipe for success. Once the novelty of this fast foodery wears off, i am sure i wont venture out to it again, although the food was hella good sans the fries.
Fuck you Sonic, you arent America's drive through because it took you for-fucking-ever to get one in New England even though you tease us with your commercials of free Route 44 upgrades and tasty beverage menu with over 1600 combinations.
LOL...I went too, but ended up turning around after waiting for 15 minutes. I told the chick on roller-skates that was handing out menus that I'd probably come back next week when the hype 'dies down'...she said it won't die down for a least 6 months to a year! So the wait continues...I did see people parking over at Wendy's and walking to Sonic...I guess I was just too lazy. Good to know about fries though.
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